Flashback

When things get stressful at work, I just remember that I have a desk in an office that locks at a pretty good university in a city I love.When people I work with speak to me, it’s with respect and fairness. My roommates all have free tuition if they want to go here. I have health insurance. I live in a decent apartment with good neighbors in a nice part of the city. My kid goes to one of the best schools here. We have food, clean water, clothes, and a car in a garage. These are things that many people in the world cannot enjoy.
 
After I had Ellie in 2013, I was in a really dark place. I spent months in Indy job searching, feeling like there was some secret, weird thing that everyone but I knew about me. At one point I was working two part-time jobs just to put my baby in daycare, where she ended up getting sick all the time. I worked with some people who seemed to enjoy being condescending and really shot down my self esteem.
Some days, I would have anxiety on my way to work. My stomach would be in knots as I wondered if the people at work were going to be nice that day, or if Ellie would have to take another trip to the ER, or if our bills were going to get paid.
 
It’s still a struggle some days here. We don’t always make ends meet on one salary. I hope Charlie finds something soon, but I also feel better knowing Ellie is home with someone I trust and she isn’t getting sick all the time. I miss my family and the good people in Indy. Sometimes we talk about “What if” — five or ten years down the road, do we want to buy a house? Will we ever be able to afford a place here? Eh, probably not. Do we foresee moving back to Indianapolis? I dunno. That place made me feel like a worthless piece of shit sometimes.