Occasionally, I beat myself up a little about the fact that this blog usually defaults to complaining about events in my life. Then I remember that the initial purpose of it, and the reason I called it “MissAnthropy” is because I have a tendency to overreact to minor events in life that I consider the result of other people’s lack of consideration for their brethren.
Occasionally, I wish that I had some major insight or incredible thought to share with the web that might make blogging serve some other, higher purpose. But, really, isn’t it just a public journal? Isn’t a diary just a recounting of events in one’s life? And isn’t it up to the individual blogging to determine the purpose of his or her public journal?
I’ve known my entire life that I’m sarcastic, cynical, sardonic, cranky, and irritable. The only time I didn’t feel this way was when I was self-medicated. Drugs, alcohol, legal or illegal substances. I don’t want to go back to that point and I don’t want to be out of control. But part of accepting my need to control things in my life means understanding that, when I can’t control something, I get irritated and anxious.
What helps, sometimes, is to hash things out here. I think about what happened and my reaction to things, then I talk about it publicly. The few people who regularly comment often have some tremendous insight that helps me to re-think my actions/reactions, and how I might better deal with the same or similar events in the future.
Eventually, I’d like to know that every entry I make is an entertaining account of something that’s happened to me, and that all my readers, friends or not, have an enjoyable experience just coming here.
The past two years have been the most difficult and challenging of my life. I’d say “except for high school,” but I don’t think I had the tools or resources to deal with anxiety and depression in high school and we’re all a little messed up as teenagers, so I’m not counting that period of time. If what has gone on in the last 36 or so months has taught me anything, it’s that I do possess a greater amount of positivity and compassion for other people than I thought I had.
A few times, I have caught myself just wanting to give up and give in to whatever force in my life was pushing against me, but that was rare. I have, instead, discovered that I think the future still holds some amazing things and these difficult periods are passing. I still have hopes and dreams and goals, just like any person.
Not to sound completely sappy and full of rainbows and bullshit. Because the truth is, I’m still a grouch.