Beating Myself Up

I hate when I go a week or so without writing anything and everytime I sit down, nothing comes to mind except that I should be opening Microsoft Word and starting papers. I’m having a very insecure few days, soon to stretch out into a couple of weeks, no doubt. It doesn’t help that I have a total of three papers and two final exams in the coming 9 days and haven’t done squat for any of them. It doesn’t help that I’d previously been so busy with school and work that I didn’t do anything with my embroidery, and now that it’s my month to show stuff at the coffee shop, the walls look bare and crappy.

Last night I couldn’t sleep after a few hours. I woke up around 2am, imagining people making fun of my artwork and how plain and boring it is. I kept having dreams where people were saying it looks amateurish and stupid and wondered why I would put it up at all. This is because, after sitting down and looking at everything I’d made, I was thinking these same things. Charlie said it’s good to be able to look at stuff in a different light and think about how I feel about everything. But I really just feel terrible. Like I should have waited and let someone else go this month so I could have time to make more stuff, more things with color, less white, not so bland.

It’s so stupid to be so hard on yourself, especially because most of what I have was made for people for gifts, but I had originally wanted to put up photography, then changed my mind because so many of the photographers who show their stuff at the coffeeshop are professionals and I can’t compete with that. I wanted to do embroidery because no one has done anything like that before. And now I’m regretting doing it all because I can’t help but think it all looks like a ten-year-old did it.

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