Therapy is Hard

Another morning of crying and whining. This time I learned relaxation techniques and discovered I don’t like children because I don’t like my childhood. Or something like that.

I’m really hungry, bored, and sick of contacting people. I thought I’d found a great place until I discovered we have to spend at least five grand on food and drinks alone.

I have another dentist appointment on Monday. Charlie and I talked about going to the new IKEA in Cinci that same day, but now I’m not sure I can afford anything.

I get a paid day off the month of my birthday.

My health insurance kicks in this Friday.


Reunion Woes

Of the 60 or so email addresses I was given that people provided during our ten year reunion, about 40 of those have bounced back. I’m not kidding. How does a person not keep a Hotmail or Yahoo! account open? I know there’s a lot of spam out there, but that’s why I have about five separate email accounts besides the one I use for personal mail.

I’ve also received responses ranging from “a picnic at the park,” to “something formal would be great!” One person loves the IMA idea, someone else doesn’t want to spend too much money and thought the last one was expensive. I’m about ready to go to Costco, purchase ten pounds of chicken wings, and toss them onto a table in the general vicinity of our high school on a date some time in September. I had no idea just how wide the range of preferences would be, nor how difficult it would be to get a simple answer from people.

I’ve come to the decision that I’ll just have to reserve a space and a caterer and set up the details on If people show up, great. As long as I don’t have to go.

Challenges Continued

I received my third reminder Friday morning that I (somewhat inebriated at the time — hey, who doesn’t need a little social lubricant at their high school reunion?) agreed to plan a 15-year high school reunion. Charlie even claims he heard me say this, and while I don’t dispute it, I don’t recall specifically saying I would do it. I was probably flattered that people thought I’d done a decent job organizing one part of our 10-year and went with it. And a part of me probably thought it was hilarious and/or ironic that, as the most notorious member of my class, I would be planning a get-together for the rest of them.

As of right now, I have three ideas. One, we do something formal, like outside at the Museum of Art. Not black tie, of course, but outside, in September, under the stars, listening to piped-in Bossa Nova and Nina Simone while sipping on champagne and eating hors d’oeuvre. Knowing my small town, midwestern, suburban classmates, this would not go over well at all and would probably deter many people from showing up as well as solidifying my status as both an outcast and a total snob.

Two, super low-key. Cosmic bowling and beer in Fountain Square with pizza. Everyone in jeans, relaxed, and no tables set up to encourage old cliques from reforming.

Three, network and brown-nose at the coffeeshop in an attempt to get stuff for free or super-discounted. I know two women who are event planners and, from what I’ve seen, pretty extravagant. I know one young woman who plans specifically for a place downtown that has a bar, a dance hall, and a restaurant. One of our regulars owns a restaurant, and two are chefs. A brother of a friend is the head chef at a pretty cool place downtown. While this isn’t technically an idea separate from the first two, it’s another avenue I could take.

So far, I’m hearing people want exactly what they did last time: a cash bar at a bland rented conference hall with catered meatballs and a DJ who is encouraged to play ’80s and ’90s music all night while the “popular kids” (now somewhere between 32 and 35 years old, depending upon how long it took each one to graduate, married and divorced at least twice with 3 children at home) congregate in a larger space and the rest of us are relegated to tables close to the door.

I’m well aware of how much animosity I still have towards my old peers, holistically, but that’s just sort of how I operate. Individuals in unique settings I can handle. Groups that band together to form alliances against others in an effort to avoid social embarrassment, I’m not fond of.
I am back in touch with several people who I never considered friends all those years ago. Time is said to heal wounds, and absence makes the heart grow fonder. If anything, there are only a few people who seemed to be as big an asshole five years ago as they were fifteen years ago, and it’s got nothing to do with me.

I’ll do my best to plan something that I think would appeal to everyone, but now that we’re all in our early-to-mid thirties, I should think it’s time to break out of the safety and cultural black hole of Hendricks County and do something a little different. If for no other reason than to put people in a neutral environment that forces them to associate with one another.

I think the only person from my class who reads this on a regular basis is Heather. Do you have any plans to attend? It would be mid-September.


I just realized I’ve gone almost a week without posting anything. So grab a cup of coffee and settle in.

If I feel busy now, just with a full time job, I can’t imagine how I’m going to feel once classes begin. I’m only at about 30-35 hours a week right now, mainly for the health insurance, but my shifts are pretty long. People say “it must be nice getting off work at 2 in the afternoon,” but I’m beat by then, having come in at 5:30 in the morning, being on my feet all day, stinking of coffee, sweating in front of the bar.

This weekend I’m closing both Friday and Saturday nights. This will be — and I shit you not — the first Saturday morning I haven’t worked since July of last year. For a second I thought, come on, wasn’t Christmas – some holiday in the past year – on a Saturday? No, ’cause we’re only closed on Thanksgiving and Christmas days every year. I realize I’m not counting the morning I worked at the Art Fair, because, despite not being at the store, I still had to be up at 6 and I had to work the fair with the owners.

My last visit with the shrinks from the anxiety study was Tuesday and my first visit with my new counselor. She’s good. Like, really good. She specializes in specific phobias and bitch had me in tears within 15 minutes. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have this opportunity. My visits cost $10 as long as I’m a student at IU and I’m taking full advantage. Who knows? In a few months I may be jet-setting to Las Vegas and New York or making all of you drive me around!

A friend sent me an email yesterday about a new study at the Kinsey Institute. I won’t go in to all the gory details. Essentially, they’re researching women’s sexuality and I might get paid to look at dirty pictures. Terrible waste of my time. I would totally never do such a thing! But, yeah. I’m still waiting to hear back to see if I’m a good candidate.

We saw The Dark Knight again on Sunday, this time with two friends of Charlie’s from work, and my friend Audrey. You really know how old you are when you’re tsk-tsking a “young person” for text messaging during a movie or dinner. Some rumors have been going on about Christian Bale’s alleged “assault” of his mother and one of his sister. What I have heard is that they wanted to “borrow” a few hundred thousand dollars from him and he declined their request, at which point they said some nasty things and he responded in kind. They tried to have him arrested, unsuccessfully, and no charges have been filed.

Yes, I read too many gossip blogs.

Audrey is officially coming back to the coffee shop and our stoner friend is quitting, which works out because she needs his hours and he’s been completely irresponsible lately.

He left me in the lurch on Sunday, my day off, when I had to come in and cover for his ass. At seven in the morning I hear pounding on the front door and stumble, half-dressed with my PJs falling off, to peek through the blinds. I see it’s one of our newest employees, Maureen (who, by the way, is due to have a baby in about 5 weeks), and parked in front of my house is one of our regular customers who has apparently given her a ride over. At first I think I’m late for work and Maureen just keeps apologizing over and over again. She doesn’t have anyone’s phone number, doesn’t know how to get hold of anyone. Maureen lives right around the corner from me and often walks her dog by my house, so all she knew to do was come knock on my door.

In my confusion I ask if I’m supposed to be working and she says no, someone else is, but no one’s at the store. I tell her to hold on a second and run upstairs to throw on clothes. I managed to put my shirt on inside out and slip on brown shoes with an all-black outfit. Nice.

We hear nothing from Mark, the opener, all day, despite my calling him, his sister/roommate, and our manager Sarah. Sarah calls his other sister, with whom she is close friends, and the entire reason he even works with us. No one returns anyone else’s calls. By the time I go to bed Sunday night, I’m convinced Mark is in jail or dead in a ditch.

No one hears anything all of Monday, either, until right before he’s scheduled to come in at 2pm. His reason for the no-call/no-show on Sunday? He got wasted Saturday night, no one would let him drive home, and by the time he woke up on Sunday it was after 11am. By this time, he told me, he “was like, eff it, I don’t need that job, screw it.” He said this directly to me when I asked what happened.

He put in his two weeks, which is a good thing, because I was considering punching him in the throat if he ever asked me to help him out again. What hurts my feelings is the fact that the guy has worked there for about a year and we have all helped him out, considered ourselves his friends. If he wanted to punish the owners or customers somehow, he failed, and ultimately just punished the three of us that had to go in on our day off or stay longer to cover his shift. What a dick move.

The Darkest Knight

The new Batman was, of course, incredible. The more I think about it, the less I remember, which means I have to see it again. And again. I need to see it at least once more in a regular movie theater, then, once the excitement dies down a bit, see it in an IMAX theater. The only one showing it in town is sold out for the next few days.

I was excited to see a trailer for the next Terminator movie, which stars Christian Bale as John Connor. There was also a preview for The Day the Earth Stood Still, a trailer I watched online a week ago. I just don’t know how I feel about it yet. I’m partial to the original. There were also previews for Watchmen, which looks stunning, and the next Bond film, which looks kind of dark.

Our experience yesterday could have been worse. The room wasn’t too packed, but there was a gaggle of teenage girls who laughed, gasped, and shrieked for all the wrong reasons. When they were laughing, I was feeling the hair on my body stand up straight as I watched Heath Ledger’s eerie performance. Perhaps I was being too serious about it, but I didn’t think some of the things The Joker said were hilarious so much as horrifying. Were he still alive, I don’t know if I would have found it quite so creepy. I wasn’t a huge fan of his other stuff, but this is definitely his best work. And whatever it takes to get Christian Bale to come to my house in the batsuit, swoop down from the roof, and swing me to safety – I’ll do it.

Now that I know what happens, I want to watch it more closely, and with less people around. Well, less screaming teenagers, that is. If you’re interested, we might hit Glendale tomorrow evening or Monday.

I’m waiting to hear if they want to make a third.

Putting it Out There

Hey, kids. The past few days have been strange ones, indeed. Sunday we saw the new Hellboy, which was so-so, tomorrow we see the new Batman, which I am willing to guarantee you will be super-awesome. During those two movies I discovered I was pregnant, and now I am not.

I don’t quite know what to do with the information, because we’re apparently talking about a two-week-old blastocyst. After getting a positive urine test at home after being five days late, I had a blood test at my psychiatrist’s office (he didn’t want me on the Zoloft or anything else if I was pregnant), they determined the amount of the pregnancy hormone in my system was too low, and that I should expect a “heavy” period.

I don’t want to put a lot of negative stuff out there in the Interwebs or the universe, or even on you, my friends, but with my therapist finished with her practicum, and my being somewhat unable to open up to others about something serious without making jokes, I guess I just kind of feel like letting it out and moving on.

I do think there are two things I can take from this: One, I guess I do kind of want to get knocked up. Or, at least, am not utterly horrified at the concept. Two, this wasn’t, perhaps, the best time for me, considering all the medication I’ve been on for this study. My body probably just said, “Yeah, that’s not going to be happening right now.”

The good news is, I recorded Project Runway and I’m going to immerse myself in it now.

I Know, I Know

Where have I been? Post truncated to accommodate exhaustion and lack of cognition.

Full time at work, visiting with Cavan, playing Wii.

Hellyboy 2 this weekend, The Dark Knight next Friday. Tickets ordered in advance.

Last appointment with therapist today, met new counselor. We both cried. It was sad. The new counselor specializes in phobias. Woopie!

Made an appointment for Liz to get her tattoo touched up and some cherry blossoms of her own drawn up.

Audrey and Cavan and Molly love triangle. Cavan likes Audrey. Audrey doesn’t like Cavan. Molly likes Cavan. Cavan doesn’t like Molly. Am I in middle school again?

Student loan funds cut. Disbursement some time in August, but not nearly as much as I’d expected. Ouch.

Health insurance at work should kick in August 1st. Free teeth cleanings!

Embroidering my little heart out.

Time to do it all over again tomorrow.

How Old Am I?

A reminder of just how old you are.

The idea is to mark the items that pertain to you with an X … Feel free to add a few at the end.

[X] I’ve been to a drive-in movie theater.
[ ] I saw the Beatles on The Ed Sullivan Show.
[ ] I voted for or could have voted for Ronald Reagan.
[X ] I was in a Christmas pageant in public school.
[ ] I remember what I was doing when John Kennedy died.
[ ] I used to watch Star Trek during its original run.
[X] I know what 45 and 33-1/3 describes.
[X] I’ve ridden in cars that didn’t have seat belts.
[ ] I used to watch Romper Room.
[ ] I belonged to Future Homemakers of America.
[ ] I’ve gone to an Elvis Presley concert.
[X] I own/used to own an 8-track player.
[ ] I used to wear a hat, doilie, or handkerchief on my head in church.
[ ] I’ve bought a McDonald’s cheeseburger for 18 cents.
[ ] would go to sleep while or just after watching Johnny Carson.
[X] I have watched a black and white television.
[ ] I have/used to have a leisure suit.
[ ] I’ve been to a tent revival.
[ ] I attended Woodstock.
[X] I’ve been to a state fair and looked at the animal barns.
[X] I could spin a hula-hoop around my middle.
[X] I’ve been spanked at school by a teacher/principal.
[ ] I’ve been to a Cher concert.
[ ] I watched The Sonny and Cher Show during its original run.
[ ] I looked forward to hearing Guy Lombardo play “Auld Lang Syne.”
[X] I called adults “Sir” or “Ma’am.”
[ ] I’ve had a smallpox vaccination.
[X] I used to watch Dick Clark on American Bandstand
[ ] I’ve been to a rodeo.
[ ] I’ve competed in a rodeo.
[ ] I scheduled my evenings around Dynasty.
[ ] I’ve sold Girl Scout cookies.
[X] I am/was in a fraternity/sorority.
[ ] I’ve eaten breakfast at a Sambo’s Restaurant.
[ ] I had a poster of Farrah Fawcett on my wall/door.
[ ] I had a crush on Ricky Nelson.
[ ] I watched Neil Armstrong walk on the moon.
[X] I had an aluminum Christmas tree and a color-wheel lamp.
[X] I have/had a fondue pot and use/used it.
[X] I’ve used a rotary phone.
[X] I remember when African-Americans were called “colored people” in polite company.
[ ] I’ve been to West Berlin before German reunification.
[ ] I had a paper credit card.
[X] I played with a Water Wiggle.
[X] I danced all night to Donna Summer and Whitney Houston.
[X] I’ve driven/ridden in a Pacer.
[X] I’ve stayed up all night playing Risk.
[?] I saw the original Star Wars movie in a theater. [Does it count if I saw the second and third ones in the theater?]
[X] I’ve taken group showers with members of my junior/senior high school class.
[X] I remember when HIV was called HTLV-IV.
[X] I watched The Simpsons when it was a short on The Tracy Ulman Show.
[X] I had to install MS-DOS on my computer before I installed Windows.
[X] I have/had a Sony Walkman.
[ ] I modeled my hair and clothes on people in Beverly Hills 90210. [I could have, but had better taste]
[X] I’ve played PacMan.
[] I have put on a suit and tie/dress to go shop at the downtown department store.
[ ] I saw Top Gun in the theater more than six times.
[X] I’ve read Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses.
[X] I’ve used a Jane Fonda workout video. [My mom even had the cassette tape!]
[X] I remember when Michael Jackson was black.
[X] I know who shot J.R.
[ ] I owned a pet rock.
[X] I have/had a Betamax VCR.
[ ] I burned a bra and/or draft card.
[ ] I’ve ridden in a double-decker bus.
[X] I’ve ridden in the back window of my parents’ car.
[X] I’ve edged the grass in a yard with hand clippers.
[X] I had a television aerial outside my house.
[X] Watched Captain Kangaroo.
[ ] Watched the Howdy Doody Show.
[ ] Remember Rin Tin Tin.
[ ] Watched Sky King.
[ ] Wanted to be Penny (or Clipper).
[X] I rode in a Pinto.
[X] I watched the Electric Company.
[X] I had a crush on a Hardy Boy or Nancy Drew.
[X] I watched the original Battlestar Galactica when it originally aired.
[ ] I watched the first season of Staurday Night Live when it originally aired.
[ ] I remember gas rationing and fueling up based on the odd/even system
[X] I saw the Star Wars Holiday Special when it originally aired