I can’t say for certain if it’s the counseling, the meds, the sunshine, or what, but I’ve been making some steady progress. My therapist told me yesterday morning that when I first began seeing her about 4 months ago, I was much “darker,” like I had a cloud over my head. I seemed stressed out and in pain, and, she said, she felt burdened for me (not “with” me, but on my behalf), because I couldn’t even figure out where to start digging.
I have been feeling more at ease, more confident. I think part of the problem with anxiety is that, while I genuinely experience it, it also becomes a sort-of habit. My therapist is pretty sure I was beginning to get agoraphobic, and that if I hadn’t gotten help soon, I may have been hanging over the edge of not being able to leave the house.
It’s definitely nice to have some relief, although I know I still have tons of work to do. I did ask my friend Audrey if she would be willing to take me around the block a few times in her car. She suffers from anxiety, too, so she would be understanding and (hopefully) drive safely.
I guess I’m still having some guilt, though. I worry that a lot of stuff is happening around me that I’m still not a part of because I’m not quite “ready.” I’ve been working more hours to try and make some extra money, and I’ve been spending my off time embroidering and sewing Christmas gifts (hey, you gotta get started early when it takes you two days to make something).
Some interesting news is, I got Charlie a tandem skydiving session and, if we can afford it, I might board the dogs for the day and go with him. No, I definitely will go with him. Whether or not I will participate remains to be seen, but I at least want to leave that option open for myself. Jumping out of an airplane has never been something that particularly frightens me. In fact, I’ve always wanted to try it. Getting onto the plane, however, is a completely different story, which highly amuses the psychiatrist I’ve been seeing for the study.