Dear Swiffer® and Women’s Entertainment™

Dear SWIFFER® Sweeper and Women’s (WE) Entertainment Television :

I just want to tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you are both there, you know, just for me. You both make me feel special as a woman for many different reasons. Why wouldn’t I when you both really know what I want to see and hear. In fact, it almost bothers me that you know so much about me and what I like. How is that possible? We’ve never met and yet you seem to understand exactly what I need out of my television, both shows and the advertisements.

SWIFFER® , your commercials really speak to me in a specific, feminine way. I like how you put females in positions of power, women who are important enough to know that their dirty old mops and crappy brooms just aren’t doing the job and are willing to call those cleaning implements on their lackluster performance. It’s very empowering. You showcase women in male-dominated positions, like bartending, practicing law, and politics. Rather than having those women making boring political decisions, however, you show them making the most important decision of all: choosing which cleaning supplies we empowered women want to use.

You’re owned by Procter & Gamble, a huge company that has a monopoly on everything from shampoo and hair care, to pet food, to snack foods, to over-the-counter drugs. So I know that means you have a clear understanding of what the average 20- and 30-something feminist really wants to see.
Yes, P&G admit that guinea pigs, rabbits, hamsters, ferrets, rats and mice are among the animals used in their “product safety research,” as well as cats and dogs in pet food experiments. But this isn’t really as important to me as it is knowing that you, P&G and SWIFFER® , want to provide me with a product that simultaneously provides me with a sense of empowerment and an effective, efficient, and affordable cleaning tool that will help me, as a woman and, by default, the primary keeper of my house.

WE™, your programming is so exactly what I need. “Platinum Weddings,” my personal favorite, in no way makes me feel disgust towards the human race and American women, in general. Showcasing already incredibly over-privileged young ladies as they are over-indulged by their future husbands and fathers as they spends tens and hundreds of thousands of dollars on things like already-dead and soon-to-be-wilting flowers, chiffon, candles, and drapes that will be thrown away after three hours of use on top of a table covered with enough meat and vegetables to feed an entire country for a year is in no way offensive.

All of the ads you put in between shows like this are amazingly appropriate for a young woman like me: ads for movies about women who really, really, desperately need to get married, like 27 Dresses starring Katherine Heigl and James Marsden. How apropos,
WE ™, how apropos. Just so you know, it would really mean a lot to me if you put on SWIFFER® commercials. I didn’t notice any during the fifteen seconds of an episode of “Platinum Weddings” I watched before throwing up in my mouth a little bit.

I like your web site, too. It’s real specific about the things I like. Lots of pink and green flowers that are modern, like me. I mean, shit, it looks a lot like the background on this here blog, so I can almost hear you speaking to me. Your television lineup on the site is also highly appealing to me. “Dharma & Greg,” “Kate & Allie,” and marathons of both “Rich Bride, Poor Bride” and even more “Platinum Weddings”?!? I can hardly contain my excitement.

It means a lot that you also provide important information for me about new programs focusing on things like alien abductions, high school reality shows that will give me priceless insight into the teenage girls I don’t have, and hair trauma. Or that you have recipes from staff on your web site, which will undoubtedly arm me with what I need to prepare healthful and tasty meals for my man. And celebrity gossip. And shopping. And advice about men. These things are important to all women, regardless of their age or personal interests.

For example:

Q: Any tips for dating a younger guy? I’m seven years older than the guy I’m interested in.
A: Dear Older, congrats on meeting the guy you’ve been waiting for your entire life! Now, assuming he is over 21 and you are not his boss/teacher/step-mother/cousin, I’d say go for it?but subtly.

And I quote, exactly. Not that the person writing in for advice was saying she was waiting her entire life for this younger man. But it’s really nice of you to assume that for her. Because any woman who meets any guy should feel beyond blessed to have someone pay attention to her.

So I just wanted to thank you both for providing me with such a sense of fulfillment and meaning.

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3 thoughts on “Dear Swiffer® and Women’s Entertainment™

  1. I am equally excited that Men’s programming is out there appealing to every man including myself. I get non-stop women in bikinis, strong men competitions, and Asian’s hurting themselves physically and psychologically for nothing more than the sheer joy of diving into a swamp wearing nothing but a diaper.

    Look, I’m not saying I don’t enjoy those things, but I could take little Will and Grace with my outrageously priced custom motorcycles.

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