Falling Off, Temporarily

Yesterday was the second day in a row when I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. In fact, I was so incredibly irritable Monday and Tuesday that I did the unspeakable; I bought a pack of cigarettes last night. Then I fought with myself and yelled at myself and called myself names for giving in. I asked myself, if I was able to get through the first week, why was the second harder? Was I stressed out from not smoking, or for some other reason?

It’s another reason. I’m not going to go into all the sordid details, but suffice it to say that I’m having my own little existential crisis right now and, rather than trying to determine what would make me happy, I just had a smoke. It didn’t solve my problems and it’s not going to. I have no idea what initiated the crisis, why I’m having one all of the sudden, or how to go about fixing it. But I will and it won’t be with nicotine. In fact, since I’m now re-enrolled at IUPUI, I could utilize their psych program (CAPS) and start using some of my six free sessions. If nothing else, maybe a trained psychologist working on campus might be able to help me figure out what’s up.

I’m admitting this to you because you’re all very supportive in my trying to quit and I want to be honest about what I did. I’m ashamed, but I’m going to try not to beat myself up too much about it and just get back on the wagon. Beating myself up is just making me feel worse. I think the frustrating part is my lack of motivation. I thought I was more disciplined than that?

I think once I’m back in school things will be better. Right now I just haven’t got enough to do. I haven’t got much money and I’ve been on this major antisocial kick so, even if I had the cash to galavant about town, filling up my gas tank and having lunches with people, I probably wouldn’t really want to.

Today was my first morning as an official supervisor. I made it to work on time, which is my biggest fear thus far, and managed to do all the money stuff correctly. Now I just have to do it all by myself on Saturday and we’ll be good. And, of course, without any smokes.

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