Bad Thoughts

God, I’m posting a lot today. This is what happens when your S.O. is out of town and the housemate leaves at 11 in the morning and you’re not allowing yourself to spend any money or make any needless trips. I already cleaned, did laundry, ran the Roomba (Hal) under all the furniture, put away clothes, took a bike ride, make lunch, texted Charlie, walked the dogs (twice!), wrote two insanely long journal entries, went through my blog roll (no one’s posted anything new), and cleaned some spots in the basement. There’s other stuff in there somewhere, I just can’t remember what.

What’s on my mind now is troubling. I’m having a lot of negative thoughts about something and it’s bothering me. When you can’t forgive someone and you hold on to all that nasty stuff, it eats away at you and does nothing to them. To quote someone else I heard the other day, “it’s like taking a poison and wishing someone else would die.”

Essentially, someone I know and care about is trying to get pregnant and hasn’t yet. Someone else I know and don’t particularly care for is also trying to get pregnant and I find myself willing the first party to do so and the second to continue having no success.

What makes me feel bad about it is that I empathize with those I care about based on their experiences, so I shouldn’t wish that on anyone. At least, I don’t want to wish it on anyone. And yet I do. I don’t think these other people should have children. That’s not a fair thing to say, but if you knew them, you might be inclined to agree with me. Basically, if the second party gets pregnant, I will feel even worse about the first party if they don’t. Someone incapable of caring for themselves or having the balls to deal with everyday stressors should not be responsible for another living thing, especially a child. Nor should that person be thinking they deserve that sort of responsibility. But she does. She thinks it’s owed to her. It’s all she talks about. And it drives me insane. If I had a cordial relationship with her, I might even try and tell her, diplomatically, to wait until she has her own shit straightened out before bringing a kid into the world.
She even narrowly, very briefly, tried to adopt. But that was “too hard.”


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