Last night we had a very impromptu get-together for Audrey's 22nd birthday. On the one hand, I absolutely cannot believe I helped to throw a party for someone who's over 10 years younger than me. That made me feel pretty old. On the other hand, she's a really great girl whose original party and actual birthday had gone rather badly and several of us just wanted to show our love for her.
I stayed up later than I have in months (if not a year) and I did many things that I am regretting this morning – I had a few cigarettes, I had some alcohol, I ate Doritos and cupcakes. My stomach is upset today (and how!) and my throat and chest burn, but it's okay. It's not how many times you fall off the wagon, Charlie reminded me, it's how many times you get back up.
I don't feel like a smoker much anymore. At this point, it really is just the physical habit. I don't find myself pining for the nicotine, I just want to do it. And then, when I do, it either makes me feel like shit or doesn't taste nearly as good as I thought it would. And after two weeks of a pretty strict organic diet, everything else I put into my body makes my back or head hurt or generally makes me feel crappy.
It was odd having people from work over to the house last night and I felt bad that not everyone was invited. No one wasn't invited, I think it was more a matter of who could be gotten ahold of right then and there. The main thing behind it, I think, besides just letting Audrey know we care, was to see if we could make a little love connection between her and Cavan . . . finally. I think there was a spark and they were definitely flirting, but I know she's seeing some kid that lives in South Bend and she may feel obligated to continue her long-distance relationship.
I don't know what could be better than dumping someone who's three hours away for someone who's two blocks from you, but I really don't know what she's got going on with this other guy.
It was interesting to see everyone in my house. I don't hang out with people from work much, except Annie, and I was afraid I'd come off as a party pooper as I worried people were being too loud, that we might be bothering the neighbors, that I wanted to walk around behind everyone and mop the floors.
But it was all okay.