Rumination

So I've spent the past week ruminating over some variables that were introduced to an already-frustrating equation. The wonder that is the Internet has lent to me more information than I really wanted to have about a prior relationship that I have spent a year and a half trying to forget. Not to mention the time spent in the relationship. And by “relationship” I only mean 'the state of mutual connection two people can share.'

After mulling over the new information I've come to the following conclusion: some people will go to incredible lengths to not have the “icky” stuff – who and what they really are – exposed if they can help it.

I'm imagining a scenario at a dinner party where a friend's comment leads you to make a joke about a potentially embarrassing, but laughable, moment you shared with the friend. Suddenly that person kicks you – hard – under the table. You look up, your eyes meet, and the other person is desperately motioning for you to drop the subject. Of course, you have no idea why. You've talked about it before. It's been highly entertaining conversation in the past. Now you're not allowed to bring it up. Because someone else at dinner doesn't think your friend is the kind of person who would “do that.” Whatever “that” is.

Well, rather than actually have to experience anything like that, some people just run away and hope they never cross paths with you again.

I suppose it's easier to cut and edit almost a decade of your life to suit yourself and the “new” life you'd like to create than it is to be honest with yourself and your actions. You have the option of divulging information only how and when you want to, without the potential of being exposed in an unflattering way. Whether the other person means to sound judgmental or not isn't the issue. It's all at your discretion and on your exclusive, passive-aggressive terms.

I've also realized that there are two things that have been gnawing at me all this time. One, that my own actions didn't amount to “good enough” for someone else and, hence, my existence has been whittled away to, most likely, a series of incorrect anecdotes where the other party is a Victim over and over again. Second, that I give up any of my time and energy thinking about someone who is basically worthless in my eyes. After coming to the above conclusion, and writing about it now, I haven't really thought about any of it. And I'm glad. My revenge is my own personal success, not some childish note, shitty email, or punch in the face. It's growing as a person, understanding myself, learning, and having healthy, adult relationships with people with whom I share intimate connections.

No, I'm not perfect and I'm not saying I take no blame for the situation. Without going into all the details, I think it's important that you know I'm not innocent. If anything, though, it was my being too naive and trusting to do anything when things started to take a turn downhill. But I've run the emotional rollercoaster through and through. I'm done. If anything, what I feel now is just pity.

My only hope now is that the image that's been created is one that will actually stick, that a person can actually grow into their own lies.

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