A Different Sort of Work Experience

Today was not a normal work day for me for two reasons.
One: I worked two shifts, once from 7:30am till 10am, and then went back a bit before three and closed.
Two: I had a man engage me in two different conversations on each of these shifts about the alkaline content of his urine.

No, seriously.

I don't even know how it happened. One moment I'm standing there explaining the difference between “the acidity that gives you heartburn” when you drink coffee and how that's different from the actual acidity of coffee (whether or not the flavor lingers in your mouth or just sort of “pops” and goes away quickly). The next moment this man is telling me that he pees on pH test strips after drinking different coffees and then compares them to see which ones give him more alkaline urine.

After the conversation this morning I was in shock. It's the sort of thing that, while it's going on, a little voice in the back of your head is going “Weird, weird, weird.” But once the man left I was thinking “What the hell just happened?” He didn't come right out and say “I piss on this little strip,” he was a bit more tactful, like “I measure the – for lack of a better word – output . . .” Either way, the idea was clear, although it sounds like his urine wasn't.

I tried my best to explain to him that I'm not a biochemist and I can't tell what his pee will or will not be filled with at any given moment, nor was that something we ever went over in my Coffee 101 training.

The best part is that he called tonight while I was working my second shift. I know you don't believe me, but it's true. He called specifically to speak with me, though why he thought I'd be at work both at nine in the morning as well as six at night is beyond me. He wanted to tell me about the pee he had after leaving and how this was very different from the pee the last time he'd had a coffee from the Sumatra region. I told him he hadn't; I'd been brewing a “blend” all morning.
“Oh,” he said. “Well, your chalkboard said it was Sumatra and my results were very different from the last time I had Sumatra.”
“That's because it wasn't. It was a blend of Central American, Indonesian, and French roast coffees that you had this morning.”

He said this made sense and again pointed out how weird it would have been to have such different urine tests from the same coffee.

And I thought nothing could top the guy who told me on Saturday that if his pubic hair ever turns grey he'll dye it.


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