Angelie Schmolie

I saw this commercial for a special Comedy Central is running with stand up from like comedians David Spade and David Cross. The clip showed David Spade saying something about how all women get a freebie lesbian experience and most of them choose Angelina Jolie, saying “Ooooh, I just love those lips, her butt, her boobs.”

I’ll tell you what: I absolutely cannot stand the woman. No, I don’t know her personally, but sexy, not sexy; big lips, thin lips. I don’t care. When it comes to women I have this uncontrollable switch that turns off or on depending upon how she carries herself. If she’s slithering around on top of other people all the time, humping on skanks like Billy Bob Thornton and drinking their blood, or gushing about how much she loves humping other women as much as men, the switch turns off. If she’s modest but still aware of her sexuality, there’s a much better chance that the switch will turn on.

I just imagine that, without all that makeup, she’d just be another sallow, sunken-cheeked, weird-looking chick. I mean, I’m glad she’s not making out with her brother in public anymore, and that she’s adopted a kid and it’s supposedly really humbled her (and of course I think the humanitarian work is very important), but that hasn’t kept her breasts inside her shirt or encouraged her to seek some kind of dermatological assistance for her tremendously dry, cracked lips.

Than again, maybe I’m just jealous, right?

From Spectrum Magazine:
She is equally frank about her lesbian leanings, leading to a recent confession that she had enjoyed an affair with a girlfriend: “I did some modelling years ago and shared a cabin with one woman,” she says. “I was in my black pants and t-shirt, watching television. She was in a little g-string, putting lotion on her whole body, with nail care too, making sure every single inch of her legs were shaved. It was sexy for me to see a woman like that. She looked all glossy and I wanted to eat her. You have to live for moments like that.”

From Elle Magazine:
Are you bisexual?
“It’s like somebody saying, ‘Would you be with someone tall or of a different race?’ Its such a dumb question. I married a man because I need somebody physically stronger than me. It just feels nice. I am always on top. It’s really unfortunate. I am begging for the man that can put me on the bottom. Or the woman. Anybody that can take me down.”

From GQ Magazine:
Angelina was once voted the “actress most straight women would like to have sex with” by readers of an US magazine. She was asked to comment this:
“That’s OK, because I’m the actress most likely to have sex with them.”

Apparently she also really enjoys discussing from where she buys her underwear, and what styles she and her various lovers like, as well as saying that she does not exclusively date anyone, she just has “lovers on call” depending upon where she is staying to shoot a film, etc…

I’m no prude, I just don’t know that I’ve ever thought being that frank about one’s sexual preference and personal life is really “helping” anyone in . . . well, in any way. But maybe that’s just me. And like I said, maybe I’m just jealous, right?

Right.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s