Do you ever get the feeling you're not nearly as smart as you think you are? I go through phases where I feel like everyone around me must be a complete dope – for example, in my political science class – and other times I think I'm the only dope around.
I feel this way now because I met someone online who's really smart recently and I started imagining an attempt to have a conversation with him in Real Life. I imagined trying to follow what he was talking about and then feeling really stupid.
I get this way around my dad sometimes, too. I think I know a little bit about politics or religion or current affairs and we get to talking, then I can feel the IQ score lowering. There's even a sound that accompanies it.
In fact, sometimes I feel slow around a lot of people I know. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself. My brain hurts today from what I think may be the start of an ear infection. My ears began ringing a couple of days ago. Now they ache and feel itchy inside. Everything sounded like I was underwater, but when I would speak it sounded to me as if I were shouting.
Something about feeling ill makes me also feel stupid. Do my brain cells die faster than other people's as a result of fever or fighting an infection? Why do I feel so slow, physically and mentally?
So now Jay & Scott are back from New York and they loveditloveditlovedit. We're planning a foursome to Seattle sometime in August or Sepetember, which I think sounds supergroovy, as long as someone puts me in a wheelchair with a morphine drip when I get on the plane. I tend to get . . . how should I put this . . . so panicked about getting on a plane that I'm afraid I may someday give myself an actual heat attack and croak.
I thought about utilizing the university's cognitive behaviorist in an attempt to systematically desensitize myself. I hate having phobias and so many anxieties related to manmade transportation. How the hell am I supposed to live in a big city during grad school (or my future for whatever reason) without a car? How could I ever get on a bus, the subway, or into a cab? Actually, I think I could completely avoid cabs for the rest of my life if possible. I don't see the point in paying that much for transportation.
Oh, well. I still have about three more years to worry about it.