Clarification

I guess I forgot to mention why I have Baby on the Brain. Several times over the past few holidays family members have asked if we were going to start a family. We've been married now for almost four years. I guess in this day age, even, people still expect you to start popping them out immediately.
My problems extend far beyond financial. I really don't like children. I know that I would feel differently about my own if I were to have them, but I don't feel that a set of ovaries automatically grants me the ability to be a mother, and especially not a good one. I'm also petrified of the idea of giving birth. For some reason, people enjoy recounting theirs and their friends'/family members' horror stories of breech and backward births, torn uteri, diastasis, 72-hour labors, extensive hemmorhaging, and taking a crap right as it happens in a room full of strangers. Absolutely horrifying, all of it.
I also don't like the idea of being pregnant for almost 10 months (I recently found out is not, in fact, just 9 months), hemmorhoids, swollen feet and ankles, loss of bladder control, morning sickness (throwing up is, by far, my absolute least favorite thing to do in the entire universe).
Not to mention staying up all night, colicky babies, screaming, poop-filled diapers . . . The list goes on and on. No more restaurants, no more going out the bars, nothing but Barney and Disney movies 24/7.
This is why a person like me has serious doubts about having children. The cons are limitless and the pros don't extend beyond how cute the clothes are, not having a period for almost a year, and seeing what the little rugrat looks like. Will it be hairy, cute, look like me or Charlie? Then again, would it end up hating me? Rebelling by becoming a right-wing conservative Christian? Would the dogs try to eat it? Would I end up carting children to soccer games in a gas-guzzling SUV or mini-van?

Or am I just trying to talk myself out of this ticking biological clock? The biggest concerns I have is that a.) I'll wake up one day, be going through menopause, and realize I missed out on something or b.) I'll wake up one day, the kid is twelve, and I'll realize I missed out on trips to Europe, backpacking around the world, skydiving, or even just getting my undergraduate degree.

Man, I am confused.

35065

I can't figure out if I like Indiana yet or not. It's been about 15 years since I first moved here and while, as an adult, I have enjoyed Indianapolis for its lower cost of living and crime, I can't decide if I want to continue living here.
Talking about taking that next huge step into adulthood (children) makes me realize that I'm probably nowhere near ready. I don't own a house, I'm 15+ pounds overweight which causes me to feel lethargic and grumpy a lot. I don't eat well which is the cause for my weight – I've read that when you don't eat enough your body goes in to some sort of survival mode where it stores whatever it can get. Needless to say, if I just ate a few more times a day, small snacks, I might actually lose weight.
I did, however, take a step toward getting in shape – I bought my first pair of running shoes. Well, since I was 12 and running on the track team that is. Charlie would love it if I would go to the gym with him but I've felt for a long time that gym memberships are a waste of money. I don't think I'd utilize it and I don't like being surrounded by hot, in-shape young people flexing and spotting one another. I also don't like running because it puts too much shock on my legs and back. Also, running fast makes my brain feel like it's sloshing around in my head. I think my brain is too small for my skull. Is that possible?
So, either I'll break down and just go to the gym with him – though I don't know when I'd find time – or I'll do some yoga, stretching, and weights at home.
Either way, it can't hurt to get in shape, whether I get pregnant or not. Neither of us are even sure if we are capable physically anyway.
I have some serious issues with people having children. 1.) Anyone can have one. There should be laws, IQ limits, income minimums, licenses and registration. Don't talk to me about how lower-income people can be good parents too. I'm talking about a limit on the amount of children you can have if you're living below poverty. Besides, we're probably no where near financially stable enough to pop one out.
2.) It's kind of a crappy world sometimes. I'm petrified that if I had a kid it would turn out as reckless and irresponsible as I was. My parents' curse would come true; it would turn out to be just like me. 3.) That's a lot of responsibility, pain, money, you name it. No more late nights out, no more sleeping in, no more letting the dogs run wild through the house. Maybe I need to babysit someone else's kid for a while, just to create some birth control.
It makes no sense to have one when the only pros I can think of are cute maternity outfits and cute little baby shoes. Everything else seems horrifying. But I'm not getting any younger . . .

Exciting me.

Turns out Charlie has to work at the club this weekend. Unfortunately I don't get to spend New Year's doing anything exciting. Most likely I'll be at home or at one job or another. That's okay. I've never big a huge fan of holidays centered around getting shit-faced.
We had a decent Christmas. Charlie made out like a bandit as usual. I got a violin, but I didn't enroll in the violin class for next semester, though, so I might take a summer class. I'll probably need to pick up a new bow and some rosin for it. The case is really neat and the violin looks nice. I had to put on the bridge myself which wasn't a big deal, but the strings don't want to stay in place for some reason. I'll most likely take it in to the shop where Charlie got me the way-too-expensive violin a few years ago.
I feel incredibly boring. I really have to quit one of my jobs. I need the campus one because it pays more, but I want the coffee shop one because I don't have to be there until late. On the other hand, I don't want the latter because I can't make enough without working 4 days or more per week. The campus job is great (I've gone on about all of this before, I know), but I have to be here all day every day to get in enough hours between all of my classes.
I must have revised the resignation six times for the coffee shop job. I just finished it again and I think I'm going to have to force myself to turn it in tonight. It wouldn't so bad if the manager hadn't made up the schedule already through to January 16th. Ugh.

Stolen from Kristinella

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
Courtney.
That’s it.
I hate nicknames.

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
bannedbook
creative_user_name
kuchiokashi

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
Organizational skills
Eyes
Mind

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
Metabolism (lack of)
Anger management problem
Lack of patience

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
German
Scottish
More German

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
Spiders
Planes
Heights

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
Hair gel
Cigarettes
Coffee

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
Boots
Ring
Sweater

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR ARTISTS AT THE MOMENT:
Stereolab
Postal Service
Nickel Creek

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
Quitting smoking
Teaching
A “real” vacation

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
Honesty
Respect
Humor

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
I’m 29
I’m 5’3″
I was born a male

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN’T DO:
Talk on the phone for any extended period of time
Drink coffee and not have a cigarette
Fake being interested in what some people have to say

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
Go have a smoke
Go have some coffee
Go home

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING:
Art therapy
Psychology professor
Retail management (just kidding!)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
San Diego
Seattle
Vancouver

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
Travel Europe
Go out with a really hot, tall, Asian guy
Write a book

Dean's List

Well, my final grades are posted. I have three A's and a B. The latter I can live with, though I worked really hard in that class and would have preferred to get an A. There's something we went over in the Industrial/Organizational Psychology section of my intro to psych class that has to do with the way people rate others. My Lit professor rated with leniency errors; she was way to forgiving. My art history prof rated with severity errors; she was way too demanding. It doesn't even out, though – I should have had an A in both courses, but it bothers me to think of all the kids who never worried about coming to class because the Lit instructor didn't take any real points off for attendance.

I also had an interview today for my first scholarship. They want me to attend a training class in just a couple of weeks. It's two days from 9am-6pm. The biggest conflict is with my campus job. I'd have to miss out of two days of work, 10 total hours. I could make them up by working most of the day that Friday, but that would suck. This means Kate or Charlie would have to come home three days that week to let the dogs out. But once Cavan moves in, we won't really have to worry about that any longer.

Oh, yeah – we're getting another housemate. He's renting out the spare area in the basement. It's about three times as big as anyone's room in the house and he gets a fireplace, but I'd be nervous if he actually used it. He's very reliable, sweet, kind of young. I think he's 22 or 23. Lots of tattoos and piercings, which I think is hot of course. His portion of the rent will basically just go to cover utilities. We don't feel right about asking for a fourth of the rent since he doesn't “technically” get his own bedroom. He also has to share a bathroom with Kate. But that's not a big deal. Chances are, none of us will actually see him but Charlie, who works with him at the club. I'm still kind of excited to have a new person around, especially one that won't be leaving for class until around 1pm. This means none of us have to worry about letting out the dogs because Cavan will be here.
And, no – I don't really think it's that weird to live with two other people. Other than the time I rented a studio by myself, I've always lived with loads of people. It makes things fun. With four people we can play more board games when Cavan's actually around.

But back to my scholarship. It's $900 per semester, paid in two installments about a month after class starts. It's for the student mentor position for psychology. This is good because A) it's related to my major and B) it will start me on the road to teaching. It's more of a facilitator position – getting the students who do well in the class to help out those who don't. But since I'm speaking in groups, it will definitely help me to get over my shyness. I didn't say anything in the interview about it, but I'm glad I'll have the training session.
The one thing that worries me is that I already have 5 classes next semester. I don't honestly know when I'll be able to squeeze everything in on top of my 20 hours per week on campus. I have to get those hours between 8am and 5pm and I don't relish the idea of taking one of the later courses and being on campus from 8am to 7pm every night. Yuck.

I'm a little nauseated. Time for a bath.

A+ + + + + + +

My art history professor must have known I've been sweating that final because she posted the grades for the exam yesterday, and the grades for the final essay today. I got a 29 out of 30 on the essay. Thank god. If I had gotten anything lower I'd probably have a C in the class. But I passed with a B. Not great, not perfect, but it'll do. I never thought I'd be so happy to have a B as I am right now. Dean's List, here I come!

It's beginning to look a lot like a cheap-ass holiday.

I would say the biggest reason I don't update that much is because LiveJournal is such a pain in the ass to load. It takes forever to get to the homepage, then I have to wait as it logs in, and another minute or so as I go to update. I don't know if it's their system or just my machine. I swear I do all the regular maintenance: disk defrag, cleaning up the hard drive, emptying out old folders and temporary files. I've just finished going through the HijackThis program my dad told me about. I can finally run Google searches without a five minute wait. It was ridiculous. I couldn't tell you what program's obnoxious terms and conditions allowed this to happen or when, but it was whenever the stupid MySearch toolbar showed up that we weren't able to run any search engines. It's pathetic that we pay as much as we do per month for internet service (cable modem) and things still don't work correctly. Is it PCs? Would I be better off with a Mac? Probably. I just can't afford it.
My dream is to have a really nice iBook or whatever they're calling them these days. Actually, I don't really care what it is as long as it has a CD drive and an ethernet card. I just want the freedom of being able to check my email while I'm on the toilet. Is that crude?

I think I'm going to try and plan a Real Vacation over spring break. My boss on campus told me if I wanted to take the time off I could, but I immediately said I doubted I would be able to afford anything. My biggest problem is that I'm petrified to fly, so anywhere I go I'd have to drive. Which is cheaper anyway but inconvenient because if you want to go anywhere warm in March you have to plan at LEAST one day in the car. 15 hours, minimum. (Okay, I have to plan for that much time because I drive the speed limit.) Maybe 12-13 hours if we did something like Charleston, but I never liked it out there anyway. And New Orleans just doesn't hold the charm for me that it did ten or so years ago when I first went. Holy shit. Ten years ago??
I'd rather tack on the extra time to drive down to Savannah. Except I'd have to reserve the room now because their St Patrick's day celebration is like Mardi Gras in New Orleans. It lasts for days and you can never get a room, there are drunk frat boys vomiting everywhere, and girls ripping off their shirts. Although I don't see myself strapped into a fanny pack and point-and-shoot camera around my neck, the former doesn't sound like a great time either.
We made the mistake of going out there one spring break of Kate's and ran right into the festivities. Luckily we stayed on Tybee Island in a condo so we only had to get through town. But it sucked because we got trapped in the car when everyone had to pee violently, and we couldn't get out and around to look at anything.

I'm a little pooped. I've spent so much time planning what I'm going to get for people for Christmas and when that I feel as if I've already been to the mall. Ugh. The worst is that we got my dad's brother and his wife in the name drawing and they're notoriously private people. No one ever knows what they want for gifts. I've gotten one thing down for my uncle, but his wife is impossible to shop for. I have no idea what to get them and don't want to rely on crappy gift certificates but it looks like it may just go that way.
I also forgot until just this moment that someone else got our names. Which means presents. Yay! I was just figuring my parents and grandmother. I like getting presents but I never feel like I do enough for other people. If only that stupid etch or edge insurance or whatever the hell it's called that's related to gap insurance had gone through. We'd have a few grand to blow on gifts for people this year. It's beginning to look a lot like a cheap-ass holiday.

32972

I was a bit disappointed with the length (or lackthereof) of my last entry. I've been bad about making regular entries. It seems like I'm either at one job or another or in class. The most amount of free time I've had lately I've spent in bed, asleep. Which is nice. I think it helped to make me feel better to sleep in the last two days since I'd been so sick. I'm not, however, looking forward to working both jobs today because I know I'm going to get stuck doing a lot of crap tonight. It seems like ever since I stepped down as a supervisor, the supervisors I work with look forward to having me on their shift because they think I'll do everything. The last shift I worked straight through I got stuck with everything and the last time I went in to cover someone's lunch I had a bit of a tiff with Dustin because he said he needed me to do all the pre-closing duties. I was upset with him because the whole reason I was covering the other guy's lunch was because he'd taken my lunch. You know, because I was sick and didn't feel like coughing and passing out all over the floor.

Charlie's been talking about buying a house a bit more lately. This makes me nervous if only because it's such a huge responsibility (what if the furance, A/C, roof goes out?) and because I have every intention of going to grad school. I certainly can't go here. From what I understand it makes you look really bad if you go to the same grad school as you got your undergrad degree. Like you can't handle change. I've found a few schools that offer programs I'm interested in. They're in Illinois, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Vancouver, British Columbia, and Scotland. Kind of big difference between Scotland and Ohio, I know. But if I were to continue my studies, buying a house would not be a good idea. We'd just get stuck here or have a huge fight again about moving. It's ironic because a few years ago I caught wind that he thought I never wanted to do anything exciting, like travel or move around. Yet when I was accepted at the University of California in San Diego, he said “Have fun, I'm not going.” A few weeks ago he was saying that, on a scale of 1-10 he was an 8 as far as moving out of Indiana. Now he's talking about buying a house again – something we'de only briefly considered a couple of years ago.
If I finish out my BA here (originally my plans were to transfer right before my junior year which is the summer after this coming one) we'd have a major hassle trying to sell or rent out the house. Especially considering it may take a year or two to actually get a house.
I'd spoken with a woman from a mortgage company when we looked at this place on the north side and she said if one of us worked for the same company for at least 2 years, it would drastically increase our chances of being approved. We're each building up our credit, but with him all over the place as far as work and school for his own benefit . . . well, it's never going to happen.

I guess I shouldn't worry about it, then. My main concern right now is getting through the holidays without bouncing a rent check, and then trying to find a place closer to campus.